Grateful I Got Out

Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight (Official Music Video)
Lyrics: I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord / And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord / Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord
Artist: Phil Collins
Album: Face Value
Released: 1981
Genre: Pop
Its been said that Collins wrote the song about the anger he felt after divorcing his first wife

I can so relate to this song :

October Is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

 Thoughts from a Former Battered wife

I was abused in my 1st marriage for far to long.
Afraid to leave and afraid to stay, knowing a beating is coming and looking forward to one day being free from all this.

I married whom I thought was my life partner at 18 in 1981
had a beautiful daughter at 19
When we met I was 17 he was so kind, funny, we laughed
we shared private thoughts, dreams
I thought he was the one.

But little did I know I would be getting married and living with a person who
would be controlling my life every single part of it.

Little did I know I was about to lose who I am, what I stood for
I was about to be a battered wife.

Im not saying all the days were bad,but there were more bad than good.

As the years passed
I felt when the abuse was going to happen and even today I have a sixth sense on spotting an abusive man, Shortly after we were married no matter what I did, I was never good enough,pretty enough, as the wife you will make his lunch, you will clean,you will cook and don’t try any new dishes, so I tried to make everything perfect so I wouldn’t get beat again.
That never worked
The house was spotless, dinner was ready when
he walked in the door from work, because
thats how he liked it
and if I didnt do it I was a bad wife,and was going to get beat
and yet even if everything was perfect
and if he had a bad day
I will be the one paying the price

There were days I thought I just wish I would die before I got beat to death,the emotional abuse , the physical were both bad.
But then I would quickly snap out of that because he then would be raising our daughter

I was mentally beat down, my spirit was broken
I felt like a total failure as a wife , mother,daughter and person.
I was told over and over I was no good, I was worthless
soon I believed it.
Who did I become ?
I become a battered woman

I wasn’t allowed to see my family many times except when I went to work, as I worked in the small family business, Holidays were planned out by him.
After I would get paid from work I would then I was questioned for every penny I spent
You better have receipts for everything
My mileage was checked all the time
I was questioned like I was a prisoner of war
that had special intelligence

I was kicked in the stomach when pregnant, I thought I was going to lose my daughter. I felt true hatred for a person for the first time in my life.

I also remember being pushed out of a moving car.

Hair pulling, fist punching blows to the head. How can this person do this and then say they love you and they are sorry 10 minutes later.

What did I do? He said I made him do it.

I got beat so bad one night I was pushed through the glass on our front door , our daughter was asleep in the next room, he became so bold that
he started to hit me in front of others, that night his nephew was over, thank God he was there
He looked shocked, he looked like i was going to die,
as the blood poured from my head I started to get light headed
dizzy and  his nephew went to get towels for my head, to apply pressure to my head  to help stop the bleeding but it didnt stop, his nephew  was placing towel after towl on my head to stop the bleeding, all my abuser said was how sory he was, he began to cry.
His nephew said she needs to get to the hospital
I remember saying NO
maybe if I die he will finally go to jail
his nephew said Deb think of your daughter she needs you.
I said I cant go to the hospital, I don’t want to wake her or have her see me bleeding all over.
His nephew offered to stay and watch her while I went to the ER

I remember I hated to be in the car with this man, I call husband, fearful he would finish me off. You cant run when your stuck in a car with someone that abuses you.

All I remember hearing the entire ride to the ER is I’m sorry , why did you make me hit you.I pretended  not hear him.

Once at the ER , I was grilled by the emergency room staff
my husband didn’t want me to talk he spoke for me.
They knew he did it even though he said i tripped and fell
There were far to many er visits on record

As I laid there getting the glass pulled from my forehead and having it stitched back together I ended up with over, 100 stitches
A woman came in before my husband was aloud in, in fact , I told them don’t let him back with me.

The woman told me about a place for battered women
I said I wasnt going to a shelter looking like this and my daughter is at home.

She gave me a card she said if i did or didn’t want to go to shelter, at least call when i was free and talk to someone.

I was afraid to keep the card so I threw it away.

 

cycleofviolence

 

I went home after being released and my daughter was still asleep , his nephew cleaned all the blood up and threw the towels in washer and dryer
I think if he wasn’t there I may have died that night.

The next day I looked like I had brain surgery and I told my daughter I fell but was ok, I drove her to school, and said she may stay at grandma and papas house until I heal but I will call her later, gave her a kiss and watched her get into school.

I called my parents and told them I cant come into work they were shocked as I called off work, said I was too sick to go.But asked them to get my daughter from school as I don’t want her to catch what I had.

Later that day my parents stopped by in the afternoon to see how I was feeling
and was shocked to see my bandages all over my head.
Wanting me to leave I said no Im in to much pain, and he will be home soon.
I can see the worry and yet frustration on their face.
I told them I would be fine and just wanted to rest, but asked if they could get my daughter from school and keep her a few days.
They agreed. (Thank God for my parents )
A couple days later I sat down with my husband at the time and said I think we need to get a divorce
He  asked why ? I wasn’t going to read him the list
but just explained that were growing apart and I cannot take the abuse any longer

I wanted to leave but was told you leave but my daughter will remain here, I thought to myself Oh hell no
you will not keep my daughter and you will never touch in a violent way like you have me.
So what I did was something I knew I would get the beating of my life for
I told my husband our daughter will not be back in this house with him acting like this and he may control me but he will not put our daughter in the middle of  this miserable life

I went to my parents , I sat down and explained to my parents what was happening
as if they didn’t already know

You cant always fall down stairs , you cant always run into a door

I explained to them whats going to happen and sure enough it happened

But I talked with my parents and told them , when he comes for me
I want you both gone an take my daughter with you.
Go anyplace , just spend a few hours someplace
so he doesnt force me to bring her home. I dont want her  in the crossfire

I dont want her hurt or see whats about to happen to me again
My parents wanted me to call police , I explained the police have been called many times and not a lot can really be done, he gets arrested and gets out in a few hours and then just waits for me.

So they agreed but I can see the fear in their eyes.

Their only child may get beat up  yet again and they have to protect their grandchild. They were amazing parents and grandparents and they loved their only granddaughter so much. She went everyplace with them.

I promised them I will be ok.

I saw my father tear up.
He said he wanted to kill him
I said no dad, we need you.
Don’t do anything crazy
(my father had a bad heart but would die protecting his family)

Just please do as I ask

My plan was if he went to beat me ,
I was going to tell him you will never see your daughter again.
And I will bring her home when he shows me
he can be a good husband and father
It was like making a deal with the devil.

That night he cried, said for the 100th time it will never happen again
He’s sorry
Sorry meant nothing to me coming from him
they were just words. I had a jewelry box full of I’m sorry tokens.

I stressed to him he needed to get help or I’m leaving for good

He looked at me and said you will never leave me, but he agreed to get help.

Well I found out in that therapy that his dad also abused his mom
I don’t know how often but she to was battered.

Light bulb moment

I am not going to go through this for 50 years
I called the BPCC Battered Persons Center
got counseling and attended group in secret
It wasn’t my fault
I wasn’t alone
I will survive
This group gave me the strength to say I am making a plan
to get out and stay out
for good this time.

My dad became ill with Cancer and I was going visiting him as often as I could
I didn’t care what my husband thought,  said or did.
I let him know I was going to be with my family a lot so he better  learn how to cook or eat out.
My father may not make it and I’m going to be with him as much as I can.
I also let him know I may on some nights stay with my mother. As she doesn’t drive. I was so on edge at my mothers at first waiting for him to show up and start a war.

He wasn’tnt happy but he didnt dare try to stand in my way.

I was always close to my dad, after all I was his only child.
He was such a good good man.

I will post about how grateful I am for the wonderful parents I had in a different post.

My father had his cancer surgery but did not make it out of recovery

My world crashed
I could not believe my father is gone.

I told my husband I was leaving and he said no Im not
and if i tried he would kill me in front of my mother
after all what could she do

I remember when he said to me Im glad your father is dead.
I swear I could have killed him in that very moment.

But just thought stick to the plan, plan your exit carefully , weeks went by, I stashed money at my mothers
for a lawyer,and still paid  my share of the bills, my car and paid my daughters dance class and school tuition

Something else he thought was a waste dance class and paying for a christian education for our daughter, he refused to pay for either.

He started to see me getting stronger, he didnt like it but at the same time
said nothing.

In April 1989 several months after my father passed away my mother became ill
she had a heart attack, I swear it was from a broken heart. She lost the love of her life.
I stayed with her for 40 hours straight at the hospital, she told me go home before i get in trouble, eat shower, rest.

Well I did and sure as hell I got beat up, but I faught back this time.

He was upset because I was with my sick mother, protecting my face from getting black and blue he broke my hand in 5 places.Then I was accused of cheating on him when I was all night at the hospital with my mother. I knew he was cheating, I didn’t care. I no longer loved him.

I took myself to the hospital told them what happened, the Dr put on a plaster cast
he said it was stronger that a fiberglass cast.

This was the time I leave for good
I went to see my mom kept my jacket over my cast so she wouldnt see but she did .

I looked at her and said dont be upset, I have had enough and I am leaving this week

She was relieved

When I got home I saw he had killed one of my 2 birds the female of course was dead and said Im next. I called and reported him to animal charity.

I cried over my bird and then I swear this calm came over me a peace
I called my BFF
and she agreed to help me move my clothes to mom’sms the next day.

We packed so fast and got out in no time
I never looked back

I told everyone about the abuse many already knew it
many were afraid to say anything.
I filed for a divorce
he faught me for 16 mths on it
and yes going through the divorce I was stalked by him, beaten up by him
but I was not going back, I told everyone

My Pain became My Power : I became a womans advocate

I became so active I spoke to the Ohio House in 1989
Violence against women
to help get the message out that got stricter DV laws passed
I became a volunteer at a DV shelter
I didnt just go to a support group
I ended up Running the support group
I spoke to small groups and I spoke to groups with over
100 people in it
I spoke to police officers

I helped raise money for the shelter by working at the auctions, golf outings
flowers we sold.

I then got a job in the shelter a a shelter manager
I was no longer being abused I was helping empower women to get out,
get a plan.

I am a survivor, thank God I made out out alive
In May 1989 my Divorce was final
I finally started the dating scene in 1991, my then ex found out and attacked me in the parking lot . I pressed charges.
In  1991 Met a nice guy he
was a few years younger than I
but he didnt look it ,he showed me that I was beautiful,I was deserving of love
he restored my confidence
He was never abusive and I loved him my own way.
I knew this wasnt going to last and I was fine with that.
I knew he was a good man, that was put in my path to help me see
that all men were not abusive.

In 1994 I met my current husband and we married 12/1995
He is a good kind wonderful hardworking man
that I am blessed to have met.
He and I have been married almost 21 years
He tells me everyday he loves me, how beautiful I am
He has never hit me , he is a real man he values and respects women
He is my very best friend
And I am so grateful for him
I will talk more about him at a later time.
I will never have an abusive relationship again
There are several people reading this
who are abused, been abused as an adult or child
or are an abuser

Abuse thrives in silence

Break The Silence

Victims Need Everyone
Talk to your sons , daughters
learn to reccognize the signs

Violence against women it’s a men’s issue, it’s a woman’s issue , its a societies issue.

They way we use language shows
just how abusers fall by the way side and blame goes to the Victim

Example

Frank beat Sally

Sally was beaten by Frank

Sally was beaten

Sally was Battered

Sally is a battered woman

You see Frank fell out of the conversation. When he should be main topic.
You see the shift becomes all about the victim and not focusing on the abuser
Often victims are blamed so they get victimized yet again

The original statement shows Frank as the abuser he beat Sally
but as you see
more and more Frank is removed from the conversation

The Abuser isnt even the focus any more which is wrong we have to
change the way we think

We should be asking why did Frank beat Sally ?

Why are there so many battered women in the world ?

Why do some men abuse women ?

Why do some men allow their sons and daughter to see their mother beat
These are the questions we have to ask.
If Your in an abusive relationship
Dating
Married
You can get help
Call Your local DV Shelter or Hotline
Or Call Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
1-800-787-3224.
They will refer you to the organization in your area.
There is a way out.
No You dont deserve it

Some Stats and Info For You

DV can happen to anyone all races, religions, economic status,gender and age

DV is confusing to many, as some dont realize they are being abused, but in fact because 16-24 3x as likely to be abused

500 women and girls every year are killed by their abuser every year

Every 12 seconds a woman is beat in this country

Signs you may be abused
Psychological abuse can look like:

Humiliating or embarrassing you.
Constant put-downs.
Hypercriticism.
Refusing to communicate.
Ignoring or excluding you.
Extramarital affairs.
Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
Unreasonable jealousy.
Extreme moodiness.
Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
Saying “I love you but…”
Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
Domination and control.
Withdrawal of affection.
Guilt trips.
Making everything your fault.
Isolating you from friends and family.
Using money to control.
Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.
Warning Signs and Red Flags

It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call or chat online with an advocate to talk about what’s going on.

Telling you that you can never do anything right

Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away

Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members

Insulting, demeaning or shaming you with put-downs

Controlling every penny spent in the household

Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses

Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you

Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do

Preventing you from making your own decisions

Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children

Preventing you from working or attending school

Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets

Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons

Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

October Is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Please donate Money, clothes to your local DV shelter
many women and their children leave with just the clothes on their back

“Never Again.”
Thank You
God Bless You

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