When Your Body Seems To Be Letting You Down

Every time I’m planning a trip away from home  for a day, weekend a week or even just  a long day of errands, it kinda scares me, especially when I’m traveling alone, because, to put it simply, I just don’t trust my body some days I like to have fun and yet because my body doesn’t always have the same ideas I do I feel like I am disappointing others, holding them back, you know a stick in the mud.

 Somedays It’s really hit or miss if my body will cooperate or be a big fail. I try plan the best I can,but hey we all knows things can often go very wrong.   

I don’t always know  that my bones  will be in sync with the rest of me,especially my back ,will it hold out and I’ll be able to walk all the places I need to be.  Or just be a disappointment.

 When I do leave the house I take supplies, snacks, extra medication, phone charger or anything else I need in case I get stuck. 

I hope someday, when I’m more used dealing with knee pain due to Osteonecrosis and Osteoarthritis and back pain from Spondylolithesis , this will get easier because for now, I still often live in denial and act like I’m fine, I hate to see myself as anything but independent. 

My pain has eased up from 2014, but did ya ever just get tired or being tired? Whether my pain is a 8,6,4, or 1 it’s still pain. Pain is tiresome.
Now I get a flipping hernia and then I get a iffy ekg and require a stress test before I can get clearance to get hernia fixed. After dealing with all this bullshit and even more pain , no just in the gut. I finally get the ok. 
Yesterday I finally had my umbilical hernia repair surgery so now on top of knee pain, back pain add gut pain. I literally feel like a gutted fish. 
I Felt ok when I first got home yesterday , I guess I’m glad they didn’t admit me or am I …

Ya know sometimes I feel like they release you home to soon, this crossed my mind at 10pm and 3am when I had to pee and about went into a panic when I could not figure out how to get out the recliner. I am not one to ask for help much, but I woke my husband up to help me. He knew I had to be in pain to wake him. And it was more of being in a stuck position than pain. I mean you can’t have surgery and expect zero pain. 

Each time,he looked at me like a deer that sees headlights.
He looked afraid to hurt me. As if I wasn’t already in a panic. 

I’m thinking to myself just please please don’t be afraid and help me up out of this flipping chair. It’s going to hurt either way so let’s just do it. 

He’s a really good man and I know he means well. But honestly I never seen a guy look more confused.
But he did it,so I stayed up about an hour or two just walking, pacing you have to keep moving to avoid blood clots and I have Factor V Leiden so I really kept moving. 

Strangely I feel better walking and standing than sitting 

Now I can sit at my computer or even lay on the Love seat this is going to suck 

As long as I was keeping busy I was ok. I have a support group I run , I practice mindfulness. I read. Now and then take a class or two that’s not to long ,I like to be constantly on the go. I guess I’ve learned how to manage my pain and the anxiety that comes with all these bone problems.

A short trip is OK, like going for a coffee or shopping or something,but an entire day out isn’t good for me , not that I don’t want to be out all day, but I truly can’t and it sucks. I get physically and emotionally exhausted. 
Today I am frustrated because I can do shit but pace, lay and sleep. 
My body has let me down…. or did I let my body down. 

Picture before hernia surgery 

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