How It Feels Not to Have Your Mom on Mothers Day

Mothers Day…an amazing day to celebrate the life and love between you and the greatest person in your life. 
Your mom has given up everything for you. She’s made countless sacrifices and loved you unconditionally no matter what, she made hard difficult choices that maybe you didn’t understand, hopefully you do now.

She worked hard, maybe she was a single parent, maybe she was a caregiver to your dad,maybe she was abused, maybe she had a chronic illness, maybe she was just a mom who had decent health and was active ,maybe she was doing the very best.

 Moms are amazing and until you are one you never understand the things Moms do.
So of course there should be a day to celebrate her.

Well unfortunately for those of us who have lost a mother, this day still exists, and is no longer a day to be happy, excited and celebrate. 
This is actually one of the most dreaded days of the year for us.
My mom died in January 2000, I knew she had some health issues but wasn’t expecting this at all. 

She called me saying Debbie I need help. I got dressed as fast as I could and got to her place in less than 10 minutes it was a bitter cold 10 degree night. I got to her apt her door open and she was on the floor lips blue, face white,unable to speak. I called 911 and was trying to do chest compressions as the shock and fear and tear roll down my face. 
In between yelling mom MOM

And no answer

Where the hell is the ambulance seemed like forever 

I will write more about this another time. 
Needless to say I was told my mom had no brain stem function.

And after a couple days and neurological test after another and no change I had to decide to let her go. 

Talk about guilt. 

After all machines were removed it was a slow process and I didn’t leave that room or her side. 

My father passed in 1988. 

And this just sucked. 
When she passed 

The only words I could form were “No, no, no, no please, no.” I immediately fell to my knees in disbelief, sobbing alone in her room for what seemed like forever.

I had never even imagined a world without her in it, until that moment.

It’s these instances in which nothing can prepare you for the amount of immediate pain you feel.

You keep holding your breath, hoping it goes away, but it doesn’t. You keep blinking your eyes, hoping you’ll wake up, but you don’t.
The shock of everything is so surreal, you feel as though you’re suddenly living an entirely different life.

It was these first few moments that provoked so much fear that I thought my life would never be the same again.
In the past, this day was always one for admiration and love; it was a day that encouraged you to show your gratitude for the woman who brought you into this world.
But after you lose a parent, it almost seems as though the day’s only purpose is to remind you of your loss.

Mother’s Day took place a mere few months after my mom passed away.
For me, my uneasiness started right around the first Mothers Day without my mom. I couldn’t handle it well.  
I couldn’t handle that every single store I had to walk in for weeks and sometimes months before, had to be a slap in the face that I didn’t have a mom. 
I couldn’t walk through an isle of Walmart, Target or CVS without being reminded that this was the first year that I no longer had my mother.
I couldn’t take it. It got to the point that I literally wouldn’t even go to these stores because I just couldn’t handle it. I did not need a constant reminder everywhere I went of my new reality. 

It wasn’t fair. 

Even hanging out with a few of my friends brought up issues. 
For weeks leading up to Mother’s Day I remember people talking about what their plans were and asking each other what they got their mom’s. 
“Hello…. I’m right over here, you remember me the girl whose mom died!?!?!” 
You can’t expect everyone else’s life to stop because you went through things.. and you can’t expect that these things aren’t going to come up in conversation.. but it still sucks.
Mother’s Day would come around and it’s so awkward figuring out how to spend the day. 
So I created my own Mother’s Day traditions. 
I would spend the day doing things that my mom and I used to do together, but instead do them alone. 

I’ll have lunch at LakePark Cemetery. I’ll go shopping. I’ll do all things that mom loved. 
It’s okay to need to be alone
I have learned that this is one day a year, nobody can do anything right. 
Regardless of who it is, they need to steer clear of me on Mother’s Day. 
I am anxious, I am sad and I am confused 17 years later and I still miss my mother so much. 
There is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but that’s okay. I have found my own ways to make peace with this day.
What makes the day suck even more is my daughter lives a few hundred miles away. 
So I don’t get to see her or my granddaughter.

I talk to them which is lovely but it also isn’t the same. 
My Amazing Mother. 

I love and Miss you every day 

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